Wellness with Makalah

By makalah marie

Up until recently, I think I had pondered what it looked like for a woman to be calm. I had an encounter today that will hopefully stay with me for as long as I can remember. And if I do have children, I want them to hear what I am about to write. From my bed in Puerto Rico with fresh baked cookies being DoorDashed and on the way so I can have some fuel to keep typing 🙂

I popped into an art shop while walking the streets of Puerto Rico, which lead me to its flagship store, in which an art exhibit was being presented (photo gallery linked below because remembering it IS a must). The entire presentation spoke to me in a way that art typically does, but something struck a chord. The owners were a husband and wife, painter and poet. I began to read more of their story and look at their art while reading the poetry along the way. In the middle of Old San Juan, there I was, a blubbery mess. Thoughts began to enter my mind: overwhelming and all at once as I stood there by myself. I began to cry. Not sad, but joyful, glistening tears streaming from my tear ducts. I felt love, coursing through my veins. Every inch of me felt loved. Why am I once more beginning to tear up as I write these words? It is such a remarkable feeling to have given myself the love I have always yearned for. A regulated nervous system and the ability to be in tune with my emotions. At the ripe age of 27. I was feeling… loved.

I no longer seek love, because it is within. As you get a little bit older you recognize that it always was, but you begin to think differently. I spoke to the poet who wrote such touching words, and shared with her how remarkable they were. I feel that love from my dog, from my sister, from my grandmother, within my friendships, my family, most importantly, I feel the love within myself. The romantic love that the poet and her husband shared was inspiring. I know I will share that love with another, but my golly, to know I have it within, and so abundantly, how could I not feel fortunate? To feel the sand on my feet and the sun on my skin, to wake up another day knowing that kind of love… how lucky am I. In this lifetime I have come to know a life for myself unlike any other.

I am at peace with me. I sit in the calm and I welcome silence earnestly. I embody an unending, savory love. A love that feels like coming home to a peaceful and warm home after a long day. One that tucks you in and says goodnight softly – I am lucky. It is a privilege to hold the love I have for myself. I have scraped and scratched and worked hard to become this woman. With every fiber of my being I have done everything I could to become the woman I am.

A couple of years ago, in this exact month, I could not and would not have written the same words that I am writing this evening. I think that is what brought me to tears today. Do not get me wrong… I have so many dreams to still chase. Yes, I have yet to find the one whom my heart will yearn for, but compared to two years ago, the woman I am today does not recognize the woman I was two years ago. Choosing to love herself in spite of all of her blemishes is the whole purpose. Carrying the grief and pressing forward is the point. Growing up, admitting your mistakes, accepting your failures, and letting go of what no longer serves or served you is evolution.There was nothing magical about this journey. I came to know the love I have for myself with a multitude of sorrows. I have looked my inner child in the face and said, “let me give you a hug sweet girl. It’s long overdue.” I have become the woman that younger me needed, and given her the most tender and loving hug.

My body is not meant to be starved, it is meant to be seen. I, am meant to be seen. I am meant to be around the people who see me as the silly, goofy and kind hearted woman that I am. Sometimes you cannot recognize how far you have come until you have come there, and today was one of those days for me. I have come so far. I have challenged the most difficult parts of my inner workings and I have worked on them. I have grown and I have blossomed. I am a different me but I am still me. I am more me than I have ever been while being someone completely different.

My priorities have shifted meanwhile I do all of the same things. I take care of myself in the same ways: I fuel my body, I love going on a good run or to a yoga class, and I love catching up with old and new friends alike. I love to hangout with my niece, or moreso my sister, and I love taking my dog on a walk. This diva is the same diva she always was, but by golly why does she feel so different? Is it because she’s actually eating now, or is it because she no longer has to fit inside of the box that everyone else would want her to be inside of?

The tide has changed. The flower has bloomed. I’m not a size 6, and wow, doesn’t that feel good. I’m still an ENFJ, type 4 enneagram who thought she was a 7. I don’t fit in where I wanted to because I was not meant to – the world makes sense to me now more than ever. I am so grateful to be living in it.

To be surrounded by the people that I am. To have the opportunity to experience this life…To be loved in the body that carries me through this world and allows me to witness beautiful places each and every day of the month.

I am lucky because I am me. I will wake up tomorrow and be lucky again. It is a really gosh damn special thing to wake up in this world and I hope when I lose sight of that, because I know I will in this lifetime, I come back to this excerpt and give the body carrying me through this life one warm, mushy, big ole makalah sized hug.

buenos noches,

To feel love, to know love, to be love – that is what it means to me, to be a woman whom is well.

makalah marie ❤