Wellness with Makalah

makalah tells all, 2017-2025

As we near the end of 2024, I must confess, I still look at old photos and think “she was not good enough”. I look at photos of myself yesterday and have internal thoughts saying, “ugh, if only this looked different.. or this, or this”. And for as much growth as the last few years have brought, there are times that the woman who once thought that she did not deserve love comes creeping in. I am continuing to evolve, and age, that is for sure, and with that evolution comes acceptance and love for the girl I once was. Yes, I was a girl then, and I love her as equally if not more than I love the woman I am today.

I find it humorous, and sooo stinking cute, to witness younger women now. To see comparison, humility, all of it… you view it differently once your frontal lobe fully develops I swear. I thought I knew it all at 22…. and let me be the first to say, I did not know a darn thing about what I now know. Engaged, graduate school completed…… if you would have told me that the life I am living now is the life I am living, I would have said “lol maybe in another life”. I confess that there were times I was a poor friend, a selfish roommate, a selfish human in all regards really. I hurt others while going through my own hurt, and for that I have said my apologies and moved forward. Sometimes when you are young you can only think of the immediate, the current, without recognizing that life is a much a bigger picture than the here and now. I was learning through each lesson, but that does not mean that I did not make mistakes. I look at those mistakes as scars from the past, reminding me of why you must learn and then learn to let go.

I think it is extremely important for me to be brutally honest in this version of “makalah tells all”. I have had numerous women and people in general talk to me about being an inspiration, and I carry that with me. If you are going to be inspired by little ole me (who has become quite the woman, yes, and I am so proud of who I am!), I want you to know what it took to get here. Challenging yourself to grow is not all rainbows and sunshine, regardless of how social media makes life look.

High School

My childhood was rough. If you have known me since I was younger, the odds of you knowing the full details of my childhood are slim unless you are my sister or therapist. No one can comprehend some of the things I witnessed, and I will spend every day of my life recognizing the privilege I have to have turned out the way I am. Most folks do not get dealt the same cards, and being in the profession I am, I know that firsthand. Without a lot of really special families in my community, my sister, and my grandparents, every single person from around where I am from knows that I would not be who I am today. It took strength, support, hard work, honesty, and frankly, a lot of luck. When I won the Lily Endowment scholarship, it gave me the ability to be the first college grad in my family. My best friend was the valedictorian of our graduating class, and from the time I was in 6th grade, that was all I wanted to be. I was so envious of her success when I was 17, not realizing that without someone like her in my life, I never would have excelled in the way I did to finish 11th/12th in my graduating class (lol), (you are who you surround yourself by, and she is one of the purest most lovable people on this planet. The Castlemans and Oberleys fed me, clothed me sometimes, and made me feel so incredibly loved. Really all of Zulu filled me with love.) I begin to tear up, thinking about all of the families that held my little heart and protected her. The Hoffmans who kept me out of trouble and at every single volleyball tournament. The Frankes and the Fifers for letting me sleepover on weeknights, though they would not make that exception for any other friend in the friend group. I recognize now the effect of each of these people within my community. My sister moved me into her home when she was the age I am now (26), while beginning to raise her first child (I love you Ruger!!). My sister walked so I could run. if I could freaky friday swap with one person, it would be her, and I would give her every single moment I have ever had. Every day of my life I am grateful that I am the little sister of MY sister. Gosh I am crying again because I recognize just how special all of my people are. My grandma used to drop off $30 in my car every Friday and my grandpa bought my first car. They paid for every single club volleyball tournament and never made me feel like there was no one there for me, showing up to each event that they could. Every coach I had poured into me, and made me recognize the importance of integrity. I played hookie one day in high school and it was during volleyball season. Coach Walter taught me a valuable lesson on honesty, and how as a captain, my team depended on me, and not showing up was not just letting myself down, but also my teammates (at 17, sometimes people need to put you in your place, and my coaches had a wonderful way of doing this both gently and sternly). I felt loved in every way, and I can never thank the people in my life for helping raise me into the woman I am today.

College

Sometimes love is not enough. People let you down, and it is as simple as that. I had my life mapped out with who I thought to be the love of my life. I was complacent, and looking at the life I lived up until that point, it made sense. I wanted “normal”. I wanted a sense of comfort and who better than my high school sweetheart (so very midwest of me!). I wanted everything I never witnessed. It was “good enough”, but good enough is NOT love. And if anyone takes anything from this, do not settle for a life that you think is good enough. Ever. At the time I truly do not think I viewed it this way, but now as I am so far removed and a completely different gal, I recognize how much of myself I would have given up to be someone else’s dream. Even typing those words brings a shiver to my spine. How dare I give up my own life for someone else. How dare I take that away from the girl who never got to be a girl the way it is. I am grateful that the life I thought I wanted is not the life I ended up with. I was ignoring all of my own dreams, and that would have inevitably lead to a broken woman. What does not work out for you realllllllly works out for you. People are people – they will break your heart. I reflect on this period for what it was – settling. Settling for a half-loved-half-lived-life. I was supported immensely, however, and I do need to recognize those folks, too. To the family that opened their hearts, and let me join their family for 5 years, you are so deeply cared for. I witness your lives and smile in awe at how each of your children as well as you parents grow. While in Bloomington, I met Kelso and the Browns always let me find a warm space in their home, as well as my Kesem family, in which I found bits of warmth in all of the people who loved me within that organization. All of them picked me up in the same way when my world came crashing down in 2020 (liv and tess, my love for you is overflowing and always will be!). I finished my bachelors and master’s degree in 4 years. Unheard of while taking 21 credit hours multiple semesters. I had a few professors that changed the way I viewed life (Donyel, Carol… the entire IUSSW program, I will teach for IU someday to give back to this program. It changed my life). Without the grit and determination instilled in me from a young age, I never would have made it through this period. Joining the workforce at 14 prepares you for tough things, but my education was by far the hardest I had ever pushed myself through. The people that loved me through this period loved me hard. Thank you, each of you hold a special place in my heart. Then it was time. I called it all off. I left home and never looked back.

Texas

Oh Austin. Without you, I would not know how to make eggs, do my makeup, make adult friends, socialize with strangers, have a routine, pay my bills… the list could truly go on forever. Moving to Austin was the best decision I have ever made for myself. I learned a multitude of new cultures, how to be on my own, and everything in between. When I first moved to Texas, I was losing my hair and overweight at about 230 pounds (balding at 22 was a humbling moment for me, shoutout sadness and stress for that one). The day after Nicole left and I was in Austin all alone, I cried in a parking lot for hours. I would eventually live in my first solo apartment across the stress from that same parking lot years later. I was crying because I did not want to be there. I did not want to be the strong one and I wanted my person back and I wanted someone to tell me to come home. I called Kim Doster who told me to buck up (in a motherly way, another rock in terms of a mentor in this life), and all felt okay for the next 24 hours. I cried every day for the first 2 months. I was clinically diagnosed with Anxiety which come to find out, was unmanaged ADHD all these years (learned this at the end of 2022 and it has changed everything for me – routines are everything!!!). After the tears kept coming, I decided to find a therapist. I was working in my first “big girl job” and navigating the corporate world, a new city, heartbreak, and old wounds… there was a lot to work on as you can garner (adrienne, kyle, kristy, thank you for proving to me that work best friends are real best friends. ilysm). I had to work through it to get through it. I had to stop waking up at 8:55am for my 9:00am calls and I needed to release A LOT of pent up anger (thank you boxing for healing me in more ways than one). I needed someone to see me and say, “okay. all of that has happened. are you going to sulk or are you going to do something with this life you have?”. I worked through my childhood, my ability to build relationships, and faced some hurt along the way. When you are navigating your emotions, it is important to recognize that others emotions are also involved. If you were in my dating evolution any time from 2020-2023, I am sorry. Your emotions should not have been collateral damage, and I have grown. I wish those of you who may have been hurt by me all of the love that this world has to offer (most of you have already found it, and it makes me beam with joy. You deserve it).

Throughout my entire life I have always felt alone. Even in a crowded room, as the most extroverted person there, I can feel completely alone. Fast forward to my grandpa being diagnosed with cancer the day after my grandmother retired in 2022. I was a thousand miles away and the pain felt insurmountable. I felt as if no one could see me, or could comprehend the pain I was feeling. I had never felt more alone. I needed and wanted control. I stopped eating and developed an eating disorder. It lasted 4 months before I sought therapy again. I had already lost all of the weight that I needed to (to be healthy and feel adequately about my body image), but I took it one step further. Along with the comparison to every beautiful Texas girl, I knew that I could control what I ate versus didn’t. Not only had I wanted to be skinny for my entire life, I wanted to be skinny so someone would “want me” and hold me through the pain I was feeling. I didn’t want to feel alone, but it was the only thing I could feel before going to bed every night. I was acting reckless because I did not want to face the chemo, the appointments, all of it. The loss of someone who raised you does not come at a small cost, but it should not have come at a cost to my well being. By January of 2023 I knew my grandpa was leaving us. I said goodbye for the last time, as the chemo had failed and hospice was in home. I was nearly passing out each day, but I didn’t mind, as along as I had control. In between transitioning jobs, and my life feeling as if it were a mess, my grandpa passed away on February 10, 2023. I went into a hole of despair, always playing victim regardless of scenario. I recognized that what I was feeling was grief, but I did not want it to go away. The grief made me at least feel comforted. After months of therapy, I was eating more frequently; however, I began studying for boards in March. I did not want to see my friends, I had a point to prove and if I was not going to go back to get my doctorate or control my caloric intake, I needed to pass my boards (a culmination of 8 years of schooling and clinical training). Most of all, I wanted to pass to prove it to my grandpa. I wanted to make my family proud. It took me 8 months to feel like myself again. I passed my test, and landed a week in the hospital because I had ignored an infection that lead to Sepsis. Thinking it was anxiety and ignoring my body did… what?! It was not until I was in the hospital, in the most pain I have ever experienced physically, that I had the thought “life IS worth living”. Why am I starving myself? Why are you being so mean to yourself? Before I knew it, it was November, I was moving out of Austin to pursue my dream of traveling the world and living abroad, I was taking my health seriously and gaining weight (because I needed to), and I was saying goodbye all of the people who loved me so well through some real darkness (Trufusion family, Tina, Aud, SB, Saskia… vball friends, my first roommates, I truly can’t list the entire community I made in Austin. They made me feel loved and whole in places I had never felt loved before. They saw me for me and loved me, and that means everything to me).

NoMad

I will keep this one short, because, well, it was short lived. 9 months on the road was enough for me. It was incredible, in every single way I have described in my blog posts, but it was A LOT. I was never settled, and I felt off when I did not have a routine. I did date someone this year, and it was a lesson. I was reminded that my gut instincts typically tell me the right thing. Trust. your. gut. If someone seems too good to be true, they most likely are. I was unsettled, and yet again, seeking comfort to feel “not alone”. Notice a trend here?! Welp, you betcha, this year landed me back in therapy, and for good reason (closing out 2025, I crave solitude once more, and feel whole in most spaces I am in). August 2024 was the most difficult month of my late 20s, equalling the grief I experienced from my grandfather’s death. I experienced loss and suffered through extremely difficult emotions, but nevertheless, we survived. My biggest takeaway was to recognize my self worth and not be afraid to let people go. It was my first time letting someone back into the inner workings of my life, but it was the wrong someone, and that is okay (giving myself grace as a part of this lesson – recognizing that I need to learn the wrong ones to appreciate who eventually will be the best fit for me). I moved into my own place in September and the world around me began to make sense again. I missed my stuff, most importantly my bed and Dansby if he was not with me. I needed to experience an unsettled life to be reminded of the joys of the “at home” feeling. I have never been more grateful to come home to Dansby, to sleep in my bed, to have all of my things in one place…. life really is about the little things and I am eternally grateful for the ability to see the world (which I will continue to do in shorter stints now). I do not know where “forever” home is, and frankly, does anyone ever know?! I don’t think it’s Indiana, but for now, I am in my own home enjoying the moments that I get to drive over to see my family and love on them. I missed being a drive away, and for now, I am incredibly happy with where I am at. We will see where the universe takes me. I am finishing this year at peace, and that is enough for me.

Life Now – 2025

The thing about never truly having a childhood is that when you get older, and you feel at peace in your own home, you get this little girl feeling, kind of like, is this what everyone else got to feel? At peace, smiling, relaxing……. that’s where I am at now. I pay my bills on time, I have a retirement plan, I am planning to live a very long life (and it may seem strange but I never really envisioned a life for myself as an adult so planning to age feels….. nice). I give the little girl inside of me everything she ever could have dreamed of. We look in the mirror and point out one thing we love about her daily, we give her a hug whether it be by walking, exercising, yoga, a literal hug… we let her paint, doodle, fail at trying new things, then trying again. The woman in me is safe, and she is so loved by the one person who she has been begging to be loved by her whole life – herself. She is nice to others and does not hold others emotions lightly.

Little did I know that I would one day start my own business (with quite an incredible business partner, who is another member of the very special community I consider not just a special human, but family by association). We opened Flourish Counseling Service‘s doors in January of 2024 and it has done nothing short of Flourish. We have over 10 employees and though this year was a grind, every bit of it was worth it. Each of the lessons from periods above impact the mindset I now take into my daily life. Grit, determination, honesty, trustworthiness, love, showing up… I could not own and run a business with one of those things missing. Owning a business has brought on its own confidence, as being able to foster relationships, keep things running, and being better each week means that you are proving to yourself how capable you are every. single. day. I am fulfilled each week knowing that the care we provide is the best care you can receive in Indiana. That is not an opinion, as it is beginning to feel more and more apparent as time passes that we are the best of the best in providing high quality care.

I love what I do, and each day I feel incredibly lucky to do it. I love my dog, and I love taking care of him and giving him the life that I always wanted my childhood dog to have. I pour into my family, I pour into myself – I am a divine woman (shakti, now tattooed on the back of my arm). For someone who has spent a majority of her life disliking the body she is in, I love her, too. I love her curves and her edges and the way she walks and the way she talks and I love most importantly the way she thinks. My brain is a masterpiece, both creative and intuitive. I love the way I treat others with genuine kindness, and I truly want what is best for this world. I hold no malice in my heart towards others and I recognize how much of a gift this life is. I am me because of all the versions I have ever been. I love every part of who I have been, am, and am yet to be. I am abundantly loved from the inside out.

As we wrap up this vulnerable piece, I end with this. If I am an inspiration to you, I want you to look internally at all of the capable parts within yourself, and look realllllly hard. I guarantee that the inspiring part of who I am lives within you. If you can see it in someone else, then that means that you can see it within. If you have survived your hardest day, then YOU inspire me. To continue to press on despite it all, that is true love. To choose yourself, to choose your life, to choose to love……. that takes courage. Ask 12 year old you, what would she think is cool? and do just that. I am only me because the 12 year old version of me has told me to “do it” quite a few times now. Let courage be your guide and when in doubt, bet on yourself.

Let love in. Take the risk.

to the girl i have always been, with love,

makalah marie

P.S. This is one of the most important pieces I have ever written because it is me. Authentically and in all its parts. It is a culmination of who I am now, the woman I strive to be and will continue to evolve into. She is a warrior and she is fueled by strength. She is wise beyond her years because a lot of life has been lived in these years. People often tell me I am much older, or that I appear to be much older than I am, and the proof is in the life that has been lived – I am old. My soul is an old one. The wisdom that lives within me lives within due to pain, grief, change, and…. love. Love, above all, is what has lead to any wisdom I feel I now have. Your reminder to never lose sight of the most important thing there is – love.