Wellness with Makalah

Time shrinks by Arcy Drive

It’s been a while… You blink and suddenly 3 months have passed. Honestly, I could not find the time to get on this blog and jot down each moment. I have yet to post about Paris, Rome, Copenhagen, or Iceland… but I will get there (no promises it will be any time soon), as I have learned that promises to write always leave me pressured and not developing my best work 😉

So, we have a lot to catch up on. What’s the scoop? Where am I? What in the world has been going on? I am currently in Indiana and will be until wedding/holiday season concludes (this year, I have had a total of 7 bridal showers, 6 bachelorettes, 2 baby showers, and once it finishes, 9 weddings). I LOVE love and seeing all of my people so happy has filled my heart with pure joy. To hold their hands and witness their lives venture into the next step – priceless. Throughout the summer, I visited some dear friends in Chicago, Harbor Springs, Indianapolis, St. Louis, and will be finishing out my midwest roadtrips with a few days in Detroit (hi em! hi jess! see you soon!). It has been 4 years since I have been in driving distance to visit with some of my most beloved humans, and getting to hug them and spend some extra moments in their homes has been heart filling (pics to come below!)

All I keep coming back to this summer is how quickly time goes – you blink and you are no longer 16. You realize that what you thought you knew at 16 was realllllllllly not that wise (despite how independent I may have felt – what I have learned in these last 10 years is that you truly never know what you do not know). Then, bam! Your friends are married or getting married or having babies and you realize that each path is meant to be completely different. They own homes or they own businesses or they move out of state. No one has the same goals and everyone has their own idea of what makes sense for them. It feels surreal.

The lives you all were once planning for begin to happen, and a part of me feels as if I am still not aware of my divine plan. Am I behind? What’s my next step? I know I love who I have become, but where in the world am I meant to end up? Motherhood? Marriage? Professionally? Personally? I make goals for myself each year, but my goals, well… they do not fit with most others. It all feels so… distant. And different than what I ever imagined. Not a bad different – just different.

Something that I am not sure I have shared with many others is that I often never envisioned myself beyond 18 years of age. I always thought “hmmph well it ends here!” (totally bizarre and irrational, I know). Coming from a home that was built and sustained on trauma, it was difficult to think of myself as ever becoming self sufficient and joyous. Little did I know that I would begin to experience freedom and joy in a way I never knew possible once I was truly on my own. I think this is why my goals tend to look so much different. My independence has changed the way I view the world. I do not feel as if 26 is old, in fact, I feel quite young. There is so much world to see and so many new faces to meet. To have independence has changed me in a way that empowered me – it’s indescribable. One can only rely on hyper-independence for so long (lol, I have known this, okay!)

My goals stem to longevity and the ability to remain self sufficient for as long as I can; however, this year has taught me a plethora of things – with the top of the list of learning being to stop trying to keep people out. Depend on others? Never could I! Trust that others want to be there? Nice try! Open up? Come again!

This year has softened me. I have learned that though my goals and my life looks much different than ever imagined, it looks better. It looks better because I have found people that I want to remain in my life until I pass away (because I will be the first to pass, and I refuse to face the grief that comes with losing all of the people I care for, sorry not sorry) – and I pour into those people more than ever. I am authentic and I am vulnerable and I am sad when I need to be sad and I tell folks when I am going through a difficult or happy time. I am not closed off to the world like I was for so. very. long.

Not everyone is going to hurt you. People are meant to be there for people. You are MEANT to be a “burden” in the ones who care about you’s lives. People who care about you want to care about you. The number one thing I have learned this year is that if someone cares about me, they will show up. It has been pretty cool to feel loved. For someone who spent a whole lot of time thinking she was never worthy and unlovable – that there was no way people could actually show up and be dependable for her – oh how wonderful it has been to be proven wrong. For humanity to look me in the eyes and say “watch this”. My life feels as if it is a constant reminder that whatever I think I know can be disproven. Walls are only meant to stay built for so long. What was I protecting myself from? Love?

With sheer openness and faith alone, I came to realize that people care, because they care – and there is nothing else needed in that equation. I matter because I am dependable and I myself am loving. How you show up for others is how they will show up for you. I hope I never forget the importance and learning I have undergone this year – that it’s okay to be open, and it is so okay, to just be me. This blog is a reminder to all my 20 somethings that no timeline is the right one – and letting yourself be loved is one of the greatest choices you will ever make.

xoxo, with love always,

makalah marie

p.s. Dansby turned 5 in May and every month I find myself sad about how he is growing older alongside me. Having a dog in your 20s is beyond true love – it is a sweet little cute creature being alongside you for every single day. ugh.

Some photos from June-August in the flyover states! I LOVE the love my people show me. Unbeatable. Wholesome. Everything a once-young-girl-who-didn’t-see-her-life-now could hope for.