Wellness with Makalah

Somehow, along the way, you find different parts of yourself that you knew were there, yet you had not yet uncovered. You learn to have the upmost love and respect for yourself. Growing up is such a strange and surreal part of life to me. When you are in high school you believe you are as grown up as can be, then suddenly you are 25 living on your own and you realize you knew very little about the concepts of life. Though I have always thought of myself as “mature” for my age, each year I am reminded of the vast array of knowledge I learn with the passing of time. I am all versions of who I have been and in ways, I am still a 10 year old girl, 16 year old girl, 20 year old girl – I carry all versions of who I have been with me, and if that does not fascinate you, then I am not sure what can.

Hopping off the growing up soap box, I need to leave that train of thought with one comment – you never know what you are capable of until you look back and reflect on who you have become. I am grateful for all of the lessons, the moments filled with bliss, and yes, even the tribulations, for they have continued to shape me into a woman.

So, what’s on my mind today? A heavy hitter topic known as loneliness. Longing. The overwhelm of aloneness. All that jazz. I am going on 2 years of being single and though I pride myself on my fierce independence, I have started to feel a bit lonely. I buy my own flowers, I pay my own bills, I make my own agenda – I do my own thing, and like I said, I hold so much pride in this, but…. when the only person giving you a hug for two years straight is yourself, ya tend to get a little bored with your own company.

I loved the movie 27 Dresses growing up, but I never thought I would become the poster child for it in my 20s. As a 12 year old in the Midwest, I thought I would be married at 26 and having kids at 27, so my life looks a little different than I envisioned (lol, if I have kids before 30, I will be shocked). And on top of this line of thinking, nearly all of my best friends have found their person, and for that I am sooooo excited. I get to witness the most deserving humans receive the love they have deserved for so long (for those of you reading this, because I know you will, I am so elated to have already stood or look forward to stand next to you on your big day. Yes, I will cry). All to say, there are days that I go down this train of thought and feel as if I am behind, and that can be a difficult pill to swallow.

This all brings up the topic at hand – loneliness and longing. These quotes resonate and are good reminders for me.

I often wonder about the day when I will find someone who ignites a deep passion within my heart, and find myself fascinating about what mr. right will or will not look like. I am just a girl in a woman’s body fantasizing my own romcom up in my head… transparently realistic here okay! But with the pressuring questions and my peers asking me, “are you even looking?!” in which I softly reply, “no”, I find myself asking, what has caused me to become so boxed in that I daydream about a partner yet am completely turned off towards the idea of one? The answer is simple: priorities.

Dating has not been a priority in my life since 2021. I have had a few crushes here and there (idk if I can even call these crushes?! I will think someone’s cute then not say a single thing because heaven forbid I actually know how to converse, or I will just be weird all together… tangental but idk, I am so good at being a friend with dudes but dating them? Catch me later). On top of my weirdness and ability to want to connect with someone, I am traveling for the next year, and want to enjoy each moment fully. Why get into a relationship when I want to see the world without checking my phone for 5 days? I think what I am getting at here is that now is simply not a good time for me, and that is okay. The constant conclusion I come to after pondering said loneliness, is that it is okay to feel lonely. Some would even consider it normal. I can miss the comfort and want that lovey-dovey head over heels emotion to resurface, while knowing that finding my person is unlikely for the indefinite future.

I do not have to be in a rush because everyone else has found the love of their life. I do not have to talk negatively to myself about not finding ”the one” at 25 years old – yes, I am 25 and engrained in my mind is the thought process that I am behind because I am not dating, engaged, or married.

Writing this reminder for myself (and for you!) to read at a later date:

I have nowhere to be, life is not a race – I have time.
With each passing day, I learn more about who I am and who I have yet to become.
I am only growing wiser, older and cooler.

– young lil 25 y/o me

It is different, to be a woman and not focused on falling in love with a man but rather with herself, her career, her own world. I understand that the concept is abnormal and I am not negating that. What I am doing is acknowledging that all of my emotions can coexist – I can be independent and want love. I can want to be strong and soft. I can want it all.

I am validating that this can be my dream – to have everything I want at all stages that I want them. I dream of building a life on my own terms, and falling in love when it is right. To build my hobbies (which, I may need to slow down on?! Between yoga, guitar, lifting, running, reading, writing, painting, longboarding, volleyball, and crocheting, I need to chill), my relationships (family, friends, colleagues), and see the world (europe, africa, australia, to name a few).

Maybe love will happen within the next year, heck maybe it will be tomorrow, but I don’t intend to look for it like I so regularly hear I should be doing. I complete my own world, and that is quite an incredible feat in my eyes. Loving yourself so confidently and wholly has a way of allowing life to work out for you – professionally, personally – say it with me, it will work out because of who you are.

It can all be summed up by saying longing is normal, and it is okay to want things that are not yet here. It is also okay to be sad about things that you thought might be. Really, all in all, no one is on the same path, and we are all going to end up right where we are supposed to be. I long for a love knowing it is out there. I long for the independence I have now that will one day not be here. I long for what has come and what will be. And today, I am content on my own because I am whole on my own.

xoxo,

makalah marie

p.s. back in Indiana hibernating until January 21st! photo dump of december and all the special people in it thus far ❤