Wellness with Makalah

“But I saw the pictures, you’re looking fine.
And there was a time when I stood in line for love – but I let you go.”

The Lumineers

Something about this song and these lyrics have not allowed these words to leave my noggin over the previous month. I had to write it down in hopes that I can finally listen to a new song in the car (truly, that is my number one intention here); however, it has sparked my thought processes on the art of “letting go”. Letting go can mean different things, and it is one of the most difficult concepts I have learned to grasp.

Whether it be letting go of an old book, moving away from the people that you love, grappling with a broken heart, relishing in old memories, or being struck with grief, letting go can take all shapes and looks different for everyone. When I was a kid, I was always told, “just let it go, it’s not that big of a deal” about numerous things. That thinking stuck with me and impacted me in a profoundly negative way. I had often dismissed my feelings or acted as if things that happen to me or others were “okay” because we all need to simply, just get over it. I was not holding others accountable for their actions and I surely was not holding myself accountable in a way that was aligned with who I truly felt I was at my core. The growth I have experienced in this area is insurmountable. I want to dive into how my perspective towards the world, myself, and others changed when I embraced the true art of letting go.

What did I need to let go of? Sheesh, that laundry list is long, but we will surely hit a few with one another today. I needed to let go of the perfection complex, first and foremost. Thinking that I was going to be perfect, and if I was not, that I was a complete and utter failure, was my first thought pattern that changed. I started making mistakes – a large amount of them, actually. For the first time in my ripe 25 years of life, my anxiousness lessened. I came to the realization that I AM going to make mistakes at work, that I AM going to have moments where I am a not-so-great friend, and that I AM going to have to pick myself up after falling down. Why? Because we are MEANT to fall down and pick ourselves up. It is how you live, change, evolve, and grow.

My sheer need to be seen by anyone and everyone was my greatest downfall for as long as I can remember. From a young age, I never felt truly loved for who I was, and I felt as if I was constantly performing to be noticeable for anyone that would pay attention. Ways in which I was wanting to be seen stemmed to: achieving straight As, being “good” at all the sports I was playing, reading others emotions by the time I was 7, to something as simple as being able to make friends easily – I was dying inside to be seen by the people I wanted to love me most – the people who birthed me. For a long time, I did anything I could to feel the slightest resemblance of being valuable in people’s lives due to this. I was bending over backwards for others (which I will still do!, but with boundaries), neglecting my own needs, and ignoring that I had needs at all – I never realized how that was impacting my soul until I let go. I wanted so badly for someone to tell me that I could stop – that I was loved for being exactly who I was.

I realized that I was the one who had to feel seen in my own body that I let the need to be seen by others go.

I had to let go of everyone else’s formed opinions about who I was going to be and form opinions of my own.

– me

A few of the questions I began to ask myself stemmed to personality traits that have been there for as long as I could recall. Do I like to help others, or do I feel as if they will dislike me if I don’t? Do I enjoy the sport of volleyball because I was raised with my entire family playing it, or do I actually enjoy the game? All the way down to, do I even like to style my hair this way, or was I just taught that blonde hair is more beautiful? I held so much resentment. Towards myself but moreso towards individuals who did not ask themselves these questions. Towards the individuals who did not have to impress, but rather could live confidently and securely. I took a good, long hard look in the mirror, and I asked the brutal questions. I did the work, and the letting go began to happen. Finally.

I realized that parts of who I had become were shaped from a little girl who did not experience a securely attached love. I am not at fault for creating thought processes that harmed my inner-self, but I am responsible for changing them. It is my responsibility to shape myself into who I have always known I am. It is my responsibility.

So, what has changed since embracing letting go? The first is that I do not take myself too seriously, and I definitely do not take the world too seriously either. The world can be a cruel place and connecting that most folks are too concerned with their own lives to concentrate on yours can be pretty helpful. Oh, someone hit my car? That’s okay, that’s why we have insurance. One of my friends needs a helping hand and it’s the only free hour I have? I can say yes knowing I give up that time, or say no because it would not allow me to take care of myself. I am sad leaving Austin, my community, and feeling as if I have no idea where I am going? As Kristin wrote, alchemize fear into love. Say it with me, ALCHEMIZE FEAR INTO LOVE. I am afraid – so freaking scared. Alright, let that fear lead me. That is okay. Love myself through the fear and know that all things have endings.

Dare I even branch into letting go of relationships? This one is more difficult for me, but it’s important to briefly discuss. I held grudges. I am not ashamed to admit that the only way I could grapple with others hurting me was to hold a grudge – to ensure that they were never allowed in my headspace or personal space again. In the end, grudges only hurt one person: you. Some people stink, and need to work on that stink on their own, but acknowledging that, and letting it be for what it is going to be, changes everything. People WILL hurt you. People WILL lie to you. People WILL cheat on you. Once you take a step back, and recognize that though those things are difficult and hurtful, those things that happen do not define those individuals – and they sure as heck do not define you. Those actions come from a place of that individual’s insecurities within themselves. You cannot fix someone who is broken – only they can fix that on their own time and on their own ambition. The art of letting go in relationships looked like remembering that we are all simply human, and that most folks do not intend to hurt others. People hurt you – and hey, you know what? Sometimes, it just happens. That’s okay, but that is when you learn boundaries. When people hurt you, they simply lose access to be in your life. Forgiveness in relationships looks like recognizing human nature for what it is – human.

All that to conclude, my changes summed up, would read as:

I speak only kind words to myself, I am my biggest critic and loudest fan and I accept internal words of support as if they were coming from my grandmother. I choose to let go because it only allows room for unconditional positive regard, and what do I now value most? Love. Letting go gave me the freedom to love others the exact way I want to be shown love. Letting go allowed me to love me, and you, and everyone else on this doggone earth. Letting go opened my heart.

There was a time that I stood in line for love, but I let you go. I let the idea of standing in line for anyone other than myself go. No one’s dreams were going to be bigger than the ones I was chasing for myself. No one was going to define who I turn out to be, or the woman that I embody, other than me. So much of my life has shaped me into the woman that I am, and I do not write this blog in an effort to dismiss life’s lessons that have shaped me, but rather to acknowledge that it is okay to grow up in a world of hurt and choose to let go. Let go of the false pretenses, of the ideas I had in my head of what I thought life would be, of some friendships, of places, of this ideal that I am perfect in all areas at all times. Letting go looks like being soft, and being okay with it. Most people really are doing their best, regardless of what that may look like to me. The art of letting go is recognizing that you are the only one who can do it, and you have to do it to be free.

xoxo,

makalah marie

p.s. me to me at a later date – you can and will climb more mountains. do it afraid. you know all that you are capable of. dreamers dream for a reason. you are meant to chase them, don’t forget that.

p.p.s. this is all I could think about during my previous hikes (Tom’s Thumb and South Mountain) over the last week! Hibernation season is in full swing and the sun is setting by 5pm. I am still in Arizona until next week, in which I will embark on my journey to Cali to take on San Diego, Yosemite, and Lake Tahoe. From there, I will head to Boise, Park City, and Denver!